short deaths
by ex-LongLongHair
Summary: A collection of short deaths. Bonus competition somewhere in the middle. Go on, click on it. Death awaits you all with big, sharp, pointy teeth!


A/N: A collection of short deaths. But first, I shall answer some of your questions. No, they don't have much of a plot, apart from the fact that someone usually gets killed. Yes, it is fanfic. No, this belongs in no particular place. It's just Voldemort/Harry's last stand type thing. Yes, this is B-Grade fanfic with a bit of Monty Python and a bit of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory type stuff in it. Yes, it sucks. No, I don't expect to get nice reviews for this. Yes, I do want reviews. Yes, I typed this up while watching Stargate SG-1. Yes, I wrote the first two while in maths. No, I really can't be bothered writing any more of this author's note.   


*~* 

Death by DVD

Voldemort: No one else can do it for you!!!

Harry: Oh yeah?

Voldemort: Yeah.

Harry: Wait till you see what I can do.

V: What's that?

H: Ron, drumroll please (drumroll). Bring me my DVD copy of HP: the 1st movie, my newly bought DVD player and my TV.

V: Muggle junk? That's crap!

H: Yeah, well...(Ron brings stuff in)

R: There you go.

H: (plugs TV in, turns it on and fast forwards to Voldemort's scene, then pauses it.) Come here, Voldie. (Voldemort hesitantly goes over and sits down in front of the TV) Yes, right there. Good Voldie. (HP presses the play button on the remote control)

V: Arrgh! No! Not the muggle version of me! No! Please! (shields face with arms, and forms the shape of a cross.)

H: (puts on scary voice and scream mask) Mwahahaha! You shall die, Voldemort (pauses video)

V: No! I made a fatal mistake! Don't let me die, Harry! (starts to shrivel into dust, then pauses, half disintergrated) Hang on, I made the shape of an _upside down_ cross. That means...I live! (pauses again, and Harry turns the video back on) Aack! Not the Muggle version of me! Urgh. (makes gurgling noises and dies)

H: (takes off mask) Evil loses once again! Woohoo! (No, scrap that, make it yippee!)   
  
  


*~*

I'm Sorry, Would You Repeat That?

HP: I'll get you!

LV: No you won't

HP: Oh yes I will

LV: That's what they all say

HP: Well, this time, _I'm_ right!

LV: Show me then.

HP: All right   
(After a minute)

LV: I'm waiting...

HP: I thought you'd like to die with style...I was just planning to do a really fancy spell...

LV: Just get on with it!

HP: Fine then! Avada Kedavra!

LV: Aack! Dying...(falls to the floor, clutching his nose)

HP: Yay! I killed Voldemort!

LV: (getting up) Ha! Fooled you! Good lot of use Avada Kedavra is to you goody two shoe types. I didn't even get a blood nose.

HP: Oh no!

LV: You see, you have to wave your wand like this-(waves wand around) and emphasise the VA and the DAV. Now, repeat after me- aVAda keDAVra.

HP: Arrgh! my head. (drops to knees, holding head, or more specifically, his scar)

LV: Oh dear. I seem to have killed him. Oh well. (shrugs shoulders and starts to walk off.)

HP: Wait a minute. I don't think I'm quite dead yet.

LV: Oh darn!

HP: Actually, I think I'm getting better now.

LV: Just hurry up and die already!

HP: I'm feeling quite spritely, in fact.

LV: I guess I'll have to do it again, this time with a little bit more malice...

HP: What?

LV: AVAda KeDAVra Squared!

HP: (Keels over onto face in a greenish yellowish bluish pinkish purplish reddish-oh, who cares? by now it's probably white!) Give my regards to (cough) Ron and (cough) Hermione. (coughing fit) And (cough) Mrs Weasley and (cough cough) the Gryffindors and (cough) Malfoy in particular (cough cough) and Cho...(cough cough cough)

LV: Are you quite finished?

HP: Yes...(Dies)

LV: I get the feeling I forgot something...(scratches head with long, pointy red fingernail) Oh darn! I was supposed to turn him over to the dark side first. (aside) Darth Vader won't like this. I guess I'll just have to apologise for it. I'll take full responsibility for this...(walks off)

You all know what happens next, don't you?   
  
  
  


*~*   
  


Death by Skipping Rope

Harry: (walking into Chamber of Secrets, not noticing anything much but the smell and the smoke coming from a smoke machine over in the corner) Oooh, a skipping rope! (points at it)

Hermy: Now, Harry, don't start getting any ideas...

Harry: I wanna jump rope!

Hermy: (seeing that this is inevitable) Okay then. (picks up rope and ties it to an appendage of the statue in the CoS.)

Harry: Yay! We get to play jump rope!

Hermy: I don't know why I did this. (starts turning rope)

TMR: (Creep snicker creep creep snicker snicker) Come to papa, little Hermione dear. (sneaks up behind Hermione and claps a hand over her mouth. She keeps turning the rope, on the condition that if she stops she dies)

Harry: (oblivious to what's happening while he's jumping) Hermione, do you know any games?

Hermy: Mmph! (help!)

TMR: I see you're having fun, Harry.

Harry: (still doesn't realise Hermione isn't turning the rope) Oh yes. What's your name?

TMR: Tom Marvolo Riddle. Otherwise known as Lord Voldemort.

Harry: Hi Tom. You wanna jump rope?

TMR: No. I want to strangle you with the rope.

Harry: Awww (bursts into tears) Meanie poo! You won't jump rope with me!

TMR: Er. (walks over to Harry, who has now stopped jumping. Hermione is still turning the rope.) It's okay, Harry. (pats Harry awkwardly on the back) Everything's going to be just fine. (while he's blathering on about how good the world is, he stops the rope and forms it into a loop.) Shh. Everything's okay now, Harry. Voldie's here for you. (puts hands on Harry's shoulders.) Everything okay, Harry. You'll be dead before you know it. (Gets ready to garrotte Harry with skipping rope)

Harry: Dead? Do you think I'll go to Heaven or Hell?

TMR: Neither. You'll stay right here, as a ghost! MWAHAHAHA! (proceeds to kill Harry)

Hermy: AAAAAAAAHHHH!! (scream style)

TMR: Oh, and you too. (Waves hand at Hermione and she goes to Tom. He strangles her too.) Good night, everyone. Voldemort rules again! (evil laugh at top volume with the bass up.)   


*~* 

Also, I'm sorta holding a competition for the best flame...so flame me if you like, the thing'll be open until sometime next Monday (27 November). Then I'll pick the best one and say who the winner was and their flame in my next fic(s). (I might upload the ones I wrote on the weekend all at the same time, and you mightn't read all of them). Also, I wouldn't mind NICE reviews as well...so do a bit of both. I'll make sure just to put the flame part of it in (separate them if you want to with some kind of fancy mark thingy)   
(This is repeated at the bottom if you forget it)

  


*~*

Revenge is...Spicy?

HG: After what you did to Harry, you should be glad that we haven't killed you yet. He's still in bed with a broken leg.

V: I don't believe it. (snorts with laughter. Evil laughter, mind you)

RW: Yeah.

NL: Yeah.

DM: Yeah.

V: Draco? What are you doing here?

DM: The Deatheater junior meeting was cancelled. I was looking for amusement, but when Mudblood and Weasel (gets glares from the two in question) sorry, Granger and Weasley said they were going to torture someone, I thought it would have meant sticking some first years' head down the toilet. (shrugs)

HG: (shooting Draco a withering glance) Oh shut up. Now, on with the judging. Who here votes we should kill Voldie here with a quick curse? (looks around. No hands are up, and not a noise is to be heard.) Okay. Now who votes we send him to the place worse than Azkaban? (No one stirs) Right. Who wants to set him free? (Hermione looks around. Again no response) Okay then. This is your final option. Who wants to burn him as (giggles) a witch? (Looks around. Everyone's hands are up.) That's it then. We shall take this to Dumbledore to find out how to burn him.

Half a hour later...

HG: Professor, we want to burn this (sniggers) witch. (chorus of "Burn the witch! Burn the witch!")

D: Witch, you say?

HG: Yes. In the investigations we have conducted, we have found that he-she is a witch.

D: How do you know she's a witch?

NL: She looks like one.

V: They dressed me up, you know.

RW: Well, we did do the nose.

V: And the hat.

DM: But the wart is real.

D: Well, how else do you know he-pardon me-she is a witch?

NL: She turned me into a newt. (everyone turns to look around at Neville. After a long pause) Well, I got better.

D: Hmm. And what do you burn apart from witches?

RW: More witches!

DM: Wood.

D: And what can you do with wood?

NL: Build bridges!

D: But can you also build bridges out of stone?

NL: Oh yeah.

(Rest of the witch burning scene from MP's Holy Grail)

D: You can burn him-her, pardon me, now.

Everyone else: YAY!!!!

(Everyone, including Dumbledore, helps with the burning of Voldemort. Several hours later, after the flames have died down...)

HP: (Limping in with crutches) Hey guys, what's up?

HG: We just burned You-Know-Who!

HP: Cool! Pity I couldn't be part of it.

D: No, you can still sweep his ashes into a jar.

HP: Alright! Revenge is sweet-hang on, no, it's pumpkin soup flavoured-now it's roast chicken, mmm!-hang on, I'm coming up to the dessert-hey! where's the dessert gone! it just disappeared! Oh, wait a minute, here comes the cheese. Nice and salty. Hey, here's tomorrow's lunch! It's curry laksa and it's very...spicy?

HG: That would mean that revenge is spicy. Weird.

RW: Whatever.

(everyone troops off back to their rooms, quite disappointed that revenge isn't sweet.)   
  
  
  


*~*

  
  
  


A/N: Well? Was it good, was it bad, or was it just okay, or was it below bad? Please tell me this and whether I should continue _and_ the full names (first and last and perhaps middle too) of the people who would have been at Hogwarts in Lily's (and the rest) time.

Also, I'm sorta holding a competition for the best flame...so flame me if you like, the thing'll be open until sometime next Monday (27 November). Then I'll pick the best one and say who the winner was and their flame in my next fic(s). (I might upload the ones I wrote on the weekend all at the same time, and you mightn't read all of them). Also, I wouldn't mind NICE reviews as well...so do a bit of both. I'll make sure just to put the flame part of it in (separate them if you want to with some kind of fancy mark thingy)   


Bye now! (review/flame please!)


End file.
